Should we still get married after we had sex?

Exodus 20:14

So you did the dirty, the devil’s tango, the shaking of the sheets and now you’re wondering if it’s you can still get married or if you’re just impure for life. You’re wondering if you just messed up a good thing because you couldn’t control your urges. The Bible has many things to say about courtship, marriage and yes even sex. Let’s explore what the Bible says about sex before marriage or holy matrimony.

What is holy matrimony?

The Bible says in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This bringing together two halves to become one is sometimes understood as the physical bonding of two people during sexual intercourse. However, in God’s eyes, sex is not equal to holy matrimony, sex is just a part of it.

Jesus when discussing marriage and divorce makes a very clear statement in Matthew 19:6 “…What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” This suggests that marriage is not only ordained by God but God Himself brings husband and wife together, similar to what He did with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

The Bride of Christ

The entire book of Songs of Solomon describes the courtship and martial interactions of love birds. With verses such as

Songs of Solomon 6:3 I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine; he feedeth among the lilies.

Songs of Solomon 4:9 Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.

These verses give us a very vivid image of the deep love and connection this couple has for each other. Hinting that marriage is more than a physical relationship but a spiritual, emotional and mental one as well.

The metaphor Paul makes in Ephesians 5:23 paints an even clearer picture in our mind as he likens the marital relationship to the love of Christ for the church. John in Revelation 21:9 goes as far as to say to call the church the bride, the Lamb’s wife.

Therefore, we can conclude from these verses (and many more) that marriage or holy matrimony is when God brings two individuals into a spiritual, physical, emotional and mental union with each other to become one.

Consensual sex doesn’t mean commitment

This oneness cannot be overstated. It is the bonding of mind, body and soul, finances and goals, mindset and aspirations. It is literally two people sharing one life. This level of commitment is intentional and continuous.

We do ourselves great harm by thinking that sex equals commitment or even commitment equals sex. This is why so many young people in the church quickly get married to prevent themselves from having sex, only to end up in a marriage they are not committed to. And vice versa is true, many have sex thinking that sex would force the person to be committed to them. Just because you’ve had sex with someone (or even gotten pregnant for them) that doesn’t mean it’s God’s plan for you to marry them.

In order to have a true holy marriage, you must first commit yourself to God and then commit yourself to your partner wholly in Christ. The only way to achieve this level of commitment is by dealing with your sinfulness, asking God to forgive you and daily making your heart anew. Christ’s love is the underlying factor of a holy marriage not whether you’ve managed to abstain from sex before marriage or not.

Should we still get married after we had sex

Pre-marital sex does not equal hell

Christ came to die on the cross to forgive all sin.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:19

There is no verse in the Bible that excludes sexual sin (adultery or fornication) from the list of sins that can be forgiven.

However, I get it, it does feel dirty and the guilt is eating you up inside. But you’re not the only one. We all make mistakes. We all fall short, some of us, time and time again.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Romans 3:23

In God’s eyes, there is no greater sin or lesser sin, all sin is sin. Oftentimes, fellow Christians will emphasise the dirtiness of sexual sin, stating that there’s no coming back after you’ve lost your virginity or you’ve committed a sin against your body and now you’re somehow impure for life. However, this kind of teaching causes people to doubt the changing and converting power of God’s grace. Are we saying that sexual sin is so great that even God can’t restore your body and soul? I would hope not.

We are commanded to stay away from sex before marriage because it is God’s plan that sex is enjoyed within marriage. He asks us to keep our bodies pure because of the effects sex can have on our minds and bodies when we indulge with the wrong people. God’s laws and guidelines are there to protect us and to give us a more abundant life, but God’s grace is there to cover us when we fall short.

Do the right thing

The Bible makes it very clear that sex outside of holy matrimony is a sin (Exodus 20:14, Hebrews 13:4, Revelation 21:8). We Christians should attempt to live our lives without sin just as Jesus did.

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
Hebrews 4:15

But even as we strive to live a righteous life we must understand our weaknesses. We cannot live a righteous life without Christ, we are incapable of doing so on our own. If you are struggling to overcome sexual sin you must rely on the power of Christ to change your heart. This transforming power only comes through an intentional, daily commitment to God. And yes, it is hard work but it is worth it.

Understanding that having sex before marriage doesn’t doom you to eternal hellfire is not an excuse to keep sinning. You are held accountable for the light you are given, so as Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery (John 8:11) “… Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

If you and your partner indulged in pre-martial sex, now is the time to ask God for forgiveness, prayerfully consider if God wants you to get married and then stay away from sexual activities until such time. If it seems impossible to abstain from pre-marital sex then it can probably be a sign that God is telling you to end that relationship.

In conclusion

God’s grace covers all sins from lying to murder and everything in between. Jesus died on the cross so that we can have eternal life and by His stripes, we are healed and forgiven. God’s forgiveness is complete, so even if you had sex before marriage you can be forgiven and have a holy marriage. God can restore anything that is broken. The real question is are you ready to give your life completely over to God or are you content to continue living in sin?

If you have a question, query or story you’d like to share with me, please be sure to email me using the form below. I’d love to hear from you.