8 Signs You’re in an Abusive Relationship

TRIGGER WARNING: This article deals with abuse.

Matthew 10:16

As a Christian, it is commonplace to sometimes think that abusive relationships don’t occur within the body of Christ. And while it is true that it shouldn’t, it doesn’t negate the fact that abusive relationships do take place among Christians. Looking for the signs that your partner might be abusive is imperative, especially before marriage. God wants us to be wise in everything that we do, He wants us to live happy and prosperous lives (3 John 1:2) and it’s difficult to do that when you’re in a situation where you’re in constant emotional and/or physical pain.

Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.
3 John 1:2

When you’re in an abusive relationship your mental health is at risk but it’s not always easy to see the signs of an abusive partner. Many abusive relationships begin very happily because perpetrators are usually very charming at the start. By paying attention to the early warning signs, you can save yourself a lot of trouble. However, if you’re already in an abusive marriage and you’re thinking about ending the relationship, it’s really important to seek counsel by trusted and God-fearing persons, such as Pastors or Christian counsellors. Get help from local outreach groups/homes that can be able to help you especially if your partner is physically abusive.

My Story

When I first met Michael he was the sweetest guy I ever met. He was attentive, a good listener and seemed to care about me a lot. As time went by I began to notice certain behavioral patterns. Every time I disagreed with him we ended up in an argument and I felt like I couldn’t express my feelings without being criticized.

His abusive tendencies started very innocently. He would tell me I looked good when I wore dressed and ‘recommended’ that I wear my dresses because I looked prettier in them, even though I’m not a dress kind of girl. Then it escalated to bigger things, like monitoring my every movement, threatening me and even pretending to hit me. I wrote more about this story here, Finding Purpose Through My Pain.

My ex-boyfriend was emotionally abusive but lucky for me with some help from close friends, family and solid Christian counselling, I was able to notice the signs and swiftly make my way out of that relationship.

Here are 8 signs that you’re in an abusive relationship

8 signs you're in an abusive relationship

1. Your partner is controlling

This is the first and clearest sign that you’re in an abusive relationship. Your partner is in control of everything that happens within the relationship and everything that happens with you. Control is the main objective of an abusive partner. They pick where to go for dinner, they choose your clothes and they decide what happens with your money. You have little to no control in your relationship and if you disagree with them, they are most likely to burst out in fits of anger and resentment. This character trait might seem endearing at first (I mean who doesn’t like a man/woman who can take charge), but might eventually turn ugly when they outright refuse to relinquish control within the relationship. The only one who is supposed to be in control of your life is God.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Exodus 20:3

2. They’re always jealous

This is a tricky sign because there are a lot of people who think it’s cute when their partner is jealous. Some might mistake their partner’s jealousy for cuteness when in fact it’s a sign of an abusive nature. An abusive partner may constantly accuse you of being unfaithful. It’s difficult for them to see you chatting with someone else because they naturally assume you’ve been flirting. This type of behaviour is toxic and it places you in a situation where you feel like you always have to explain yourself, which can be exhausting. Your partner is using manipulative tactics to maintain control over you.

3. Your partner tries to use your faith against you

A manipulation tactic that is seen in Christian abusive relationships is when your partner uses your faith against you. They try to control you and make your stay, claiming that God will eventually change them or change the situation, when in fact they have no intention of changing. They may ask you to keep your mouth shut about the emotional/physical abuse because they don’t want to make a scene at church. It’s important to be wise, God doesn’t want to submit to anyone that is unkind to us.

God loves us dearly and wants the best for us therefore He wants you to be with someone who also demonstrates Agape love. God’s love isn’t about force or control, He wants us to choose to love Him out of our free will. If your partner is trying to force you to love them and is using your faith to do so, that may be a sign that it’s time to run. Control does not equal love.

4. They always play the victim

A sign that’s easy to miss when you’re in an abusive relationship is the victim card tactic. Your partner is always trying to make you feel sorry for them. This manipulative behaviour is used to make you always feel guilty and therefore you constantly think that the state of the relationship is your fault. They may use phrases such as ‘If you didn’t do ‘x-action’ then I wouldn’t do ‘y-behaviour’ or ‘It’s your fault this is happening, haven’t I been good to you?’. If you hear these phrases or similar ones being repeated to you by your partner, that’s a warning sign that they may have abusive tendencies.

5. Your partner is critical of you

If you’re with someone and they are always criticizing your ideas or belittling you, that may be a sign that you’re in an abusive relationship. Your partner may need to always be right and they refuse to value your opinion. They may try to make you feel small and devalue your work. Nothing is ever good enough for them. Your partner might call you names like ‘stupid’ or ‘idiot’ which you might think is a joke but in reality, could be a sign that this person might become more verbally abusive in the future.

6. They always threaten you

If your partner is always threatening to leave the relationship or constantly gives you ultimatums, those are signs that he/she might be abusive. A relationship should be a place where you feel comfortable and safe but if you’re always on edge thinking your partner is going to do something to hurt you, you might want to rethink the relationship. Especially if they threaten to hurt you physically in any way, that may be a sign that God is telling you to exit the stage right.

Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
Matthew 10:16

7. Gaslighting

According to Medical News Today, gaslighting is ‘a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories.’ This is more common in abusive relationships than you think. The whole goal of an abusive partner is to maintain complete control over you and over the relationship. They will make up stories about things you did or said, to try to convince you that you’re the bad one. If you’re not looking out for signs of destructive behaviour in your partner you might miss it. You might be convinced that your memory is slipping and they’re just helping you out. This is why it’s important to be watchful and prayerful when choosing a partner and to invite trusted friends and family to meet the person you’re seeing.

8. Monitoring your where-abouts

This is one of the most obvious early signs that you’re in an abusive relationship because it’s not only noticeable to you but to your friends and family members. There’s a big difference between genuine concern and insecurity. The first one is about showing care for a person and the other one is about manipulation and control. Your partner may call or text you excessively, constantly asking you where you are, or they might try to restrict you from seeing friends and family. If you’ve spoken to them about this behaviour and they show no sign of stopping, it may be time to end the relationship.

Conclusion

These are just some basic signs that you might be in an abusive relationship. If you do find yourself with someone who exhibits two or more of these signs that may be an indication that God is telling you to run. It may be difficult to leave someone you have fallen in love with but remember it’s possible to love someone without being with them. Pray for them but don’t try to fix them.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Matthew 5:44

Further Resources:

Signs of an abusive relationship-au.reachout.com

How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse-healthline.com

Contact with a Therapist Online-betterhelp.com

Thank you for taking the time to read this article today. If you have a question, query or story you’d like to share with me, please leave a comment or email me using the form below.